Insecurity is fun.

...

Being doubted makes me feel great.

doodoodoodooo

I'm pretty sure Kayla's mom just stole Kayla's phone from her. Which probably makes her feel bad, because I was pretty sad RIGHT before her mom came storming in. ...If that's what happened, but from all the yelling and Kayla's voice fading in the background, I'm pretty sure her mom took it.

Hmph.

AND WE'RE PICKERS.

omnomnom.

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

THIS IS DEVAN. HE'S BIG, BLACK, AND AWESOME.



THIS IS RYAN. And he's cool. HE LIVES IN NEW JERSEY. And I wish we could hang out sometime.



...This is Kayla. Again. For the third time. BUT I WISH I COULD GO SEE HER RIGHT NOW. >:(



THIS IS BEN. He lives in England. And he's cool. And I wanna meet him and hang out and drink tea.

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

This is Kayla. ...Again. SHE'S MY FAVORITE INTERNET FRIEND. lololol. And probably my favorite person too.

BUT SHE'S AWESOME AND STUFF. One day we're gonna run away and go pickin'. AND IT'LL BE FANTASTIC.

Random stuff.

My parents are gonna be gone until Tuesday, and Eddy's watching us. I guess that's kind of okay, but he's not even watching us. He'll sit in his room playing WoW while we take care of everything around the house.

Becca made it pretty obvious that she wants nothing to do with me anymore, which I understand. I guess it's good that she did that, because I was gonna try and talk to her today and TRY to put all of that stuff behind us.

England's getting the shit kicked out of them by Germany. That makes me happy. OH HURHUR YOU GUYS LOST TO GHANA. Shut up. >:O

Ben

Your momma's so fat... She may suffer from heart problems in her later life.

11:29Me

your momma's so poor... the bank may one day foreclose on her house.

11:30Ben

Your mum... Has aids.

11:30Me

Your momma... wanks it to pictures of Justin Bieber.

11:31Ben

Your momma's so hairy... She may have some sort hair overgrowth disease.

11:33Ben

Your momma's so ugly... She might even be dead.

11:33Me

Your momma's so smelly... she may suffer from a disease that requires a prescription for deodorant.

Ben makes me happy sometimes.

SOME PEOPLE SHOULD REALIZE THEY'RE REALLY PRETTY AND GREAT AND FANTASTIC AND SHOULD NOT THINK THEY SUCK.

More things I can't know that'll hurt me?

That's faaaaaantastic.

Things just keep getting better.

...that was unexpected.

...whoa.

Ryan and Victoria broke up.

I didn't see that one coming. They are always all OMG I LOVE YOU SO MUCH when they were around each other.

Damn...

asiufbsfibsafiubsf.

We went out to celebrate my step-dad's birthday today. It was fun. We went to a chinese buffet, which is really awesome, and our waiter looked just like Kim Jong Il. Which was funny as hell, but only to Matt and I.

THEN I GOT A SOCCER BALL. ...which is only a big deal to me.

THEN, I finally saw Toy Story 3. It was fantastic. And I definitely cried twice. BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE IT WAS FANTASTIC.

Then we went home and I kept checking my phone for world cup updates on the way back. Then we lost. Now I'm sad.

Hmph.

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

So, I definitely don't have any pictures of Becca on this computer, and I don't have her on Facebook, so I'll put a picture here one day.

ANYWAYS, contrary to popular belief, I don't hate Becca. I don't hold anything against her, and I'm not mad at her. The only thing I really am is sad, because we don't talk all that much anymore. Every few days we have some little conversation that has to do with nothing, but that's it. I miss it. I hope we can get back to talking like we did before, but I can't really force her to.

Day 6 — A stranger

THIS LADY. We were just chilling waiting for Eddy's graduation to start, and she waltz in there screaming like a redneck. She's large. And has a she-mullet. I'm probably really mean for laughing, but it's funny.

I miss when things were easier.

Almost everything for the past three weeks has been... not the best. It's all starting to get to me. I just almost got in a physical fight with Matt, which I never do, and I don't like treating him like that. Every little thing is starting to irritate me, and I'm stressed as hell. I feel like an asshole for being like this while Kayla's trying her fucking hardest to make me happy. Bleh.

Day 5 — Your dreams

One day, I wanna be in a band that makes fantastic indie music, that a lot of people know about, but aren't too well known. We would play fantastic shows all the time and it would be FANTASTIC.

...and I definitely didn't steal a picture from Tachycardia for this. nononotatall.



In a few years, I wanna go to Virginia Tech. I don't know what for yet, but that's the plan right now. I'd LIKE to play football there, but my knee's too fucked up to play football, so I don't see the point in trying. BUT VIRGINIA TECH WOULD BE FANTASTIC FOR MULTIPLE REASONS.



When I'm older, I wanna move back to Buffalo. Nobody really understands why I love Buffalo so much, but I really do. I lived there for the first ten years of my life, and I miss it tons. I miss going to the Allantown Art Festival every summer and watching all the bands play, and looking at the art. I miss all of the people who loved the Bills and the Sabres. I miss Mighty Taco, D'Angelos Pizza, and going to the Taste Of Buffalo. I miss everything about it, and I'd do anything to go back.

These made me happy for the first time in awhile. Well, really happy. BUT THEY DID.

Long Blog Post of Random Crap. YEAH.

I want Kayla's letters and stuff. It'd make me pretty happy.
...and I should probably work on that letter I'm putting in with the incense...

I really want FIFA 10. But they didn't have it in stock. Hmph.

Kayla should stop acting like she doesn't make me happy. People mess up. She still makes me just as happy.

loltaylorswift. Last.fm throws her songs at me all the time.

Eddy should turn off his Go-Go dancer music in his room. It sounds pretty gay.

I forgot how happy SSPU made me. Only band. Ever.

THEY'RE NOT THAT BIG.

I want a hug. I miss those.

Psst. You're cute.

My mom's been all moody lately for no reason at all. It scares me.

Ryan's thinking about breaking up with Victoria. I feel like this should bother me, because I like Victoria a whole lot, but all she does is talk about that creepy pedophile Armando. Mofo has a hair fetish.

I keep forgetting I've seen Jane's Addiction live. I miss that night. It was pretty much the best night of my life.

Gary invited us to a party on Xbox Live to tell us he was out of weed and needed to buy more. I love that kid. I'm gonna try to see him whenever we go to see Eddy when he goes to bootcamp or whatever.

I get to see Toy Story 3 on Saturday. Fucking finally.

I'm typing random things because SOMEBODY wanted a long blogpost. *cough* :P

I need a fucking job.

I want Crackdown 2. Baaaaaaaad.

TYLER'S BIRTHDAY IS SOON. I wanna go to his birthday party and MACK MACK MACK. Except not really.

This is a failure of a blogpost, because I really have nothing to write about. BUT I'M TRYING!

I should make another happy-list video. Because I deleted that other one...

Tres bothers me. He doesn't wanna hang out with anyone anymore.

DON'T STOP ME NOW, I'M HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME. I love this song to death.

I'm not sure if I made this clear or not, but I forgive you for that whole thing... JUST MAKING SURE YOU KNOW.

Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)

lolbadpicture. Anyways, this is Matt. Who is basically my best friend right now, so woo. I feel like a douche for not mentioning Eddy. But... naw. MATT IS A PRETTY COOL GUY, EVEN IF HE'S A DOUCHECOCK SOMETIMES.

OH MY GOD.

Landon Donovan, you are my fucking hero.

WE DID IT. ROUND OF 16!

...Oh.

That's wonderful.

This wasn't supposed to happen again.

Whatever.

hmph.

I hate it when someone mentions something I can't know.

It bothers me. A lot.

Day 3 — Your parents

These are my parents. Woo? There's not much to say about them. They annoy me sometimes, and other times they can be sorta cool.

Or not.

That's cool too.

ASFINOASFBOSAFBAF

I need to see Toy Story 3. Now.

Day 2 — Your crush

This is Kayla. I like her. I definitely told a bunch of people I'd never have anything to do with her again, and I definitely said a bunch of mean things to her. AND SHE DEFINITELY SAID MEAN THING TO ME, and we were all HATEHATEHATE for three months. But we forgave each other for all of that, and she was there for me when I was really depressed (and she still is). Then I started liking her again. SHE'S REALLY GREAT, EVEN IF SHE ACTS LIKE SHE ISN'T MOST OF THE TIME.

And I like that picture. It's cute.

Day 1 — Your best friend

Anthony, Tyler, and Matt. These are my best friends. Even if they're douchebags most of the time.

IN AN EFFORT TO BLOG MORE.

Because some people yell at me for not doing it enough *cough*

I'll be stealing this from Kayla, who stole it from Barry and Terry.

Day 1 — Your best friend

Day 2 — Your crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

I have too much time on my hands.

doodoodooo

Yesterday was fun.

I went to Tyler's house, and we sat outside his house ten minutes beating on his door before I remembered he FINALLY got his phone back the other day, so I called him. "OH SHIT, YOU'RE AT MY DOOR, AREN'T YOU?!"

Then we played Monopoly. Tyler and I wrecked the shit out of Matt, and then decided to call it a draw after we knocked Matt out. WE SHOOK HANDS.

Then we decided we were hungry. So we ordered three pizzas from Domino's. The pizza delivery lady looked like a man lady, and CJ has to yell as she was driving away "SHE WAS FIIIINE."

Then we watched Burn Notice and everyone watched me throw a fit because they said Dwayne Wade was overrated (WHICH HE IS NOT. HE IS FANTASTIC.)

Then we decided it was time to go for a walk. Butches followed us around while we did. It was bad-ass. We went to the park and played on the playground. It's a lot smaller than I remember. THEN WE WENT TO DOLLAR GENERAL.

On the way there, four gangstas saw as walking about 50 yards behind them, so they hid behind a corner to jump us. We sorta walked far away from the corner so they wouldn't, and then they yelled at us "AYYYYY COME OVA HERE. Y'ALL GOT SOME MONEY?!" Tyler told them nawwww, and we kept walking. Then they yelled at us again "AYYY YOU GOT MONEY?" We told them no and kept walking, then CJ yelled "CYAAA HAHAHAHAHA." at them when we were walking into Dollar General, so they followed us inside. They were looking for us, and we were so close to bolting out the emergency exit, but it sounded an alarm. They found us and tried to corner us in the back of the store, but we got to the front so they wouldn't fuck with us in front of twenty people. They were all "HAHA WE KIDDIN'."

WE ARE NOT STUPID. So, we waited until they got in line with their food and got out of there. One of them was outside waiting for us, but we tried to walk past him as without noticing, and we think we did it. We booked it back to Tyler's house and chilled for a few hours. We played Monopoly again, except Matt was all HAHA DO TEAMS! So Tyler and I teamed up on CJ and Matt, which isn't fair, because Matt isn't the best at Monopoly, and Tyler is dumb. Matt buys any property he lands on, even if he can barely afford it. Tyler and I owned the shit out of them, then I'm pretty sure I had to go.

Yeah. Yesterday was a lot more fun than it sounded, and I miss having days like that.

ಠ_ಠ

DUH FAWK

ಠ_ಠ

omnomnom.

More people should listen to Shaimus. BECAUSE THEY ARE FANTASTIC.

Ohai, low self esteem.

You're back. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay. You're great.

=\

I don't like being up late at night feeling horrible with no one around to talk to.

It kinda sucks.

mackmackmack

My knee hurts. I probably should have gotten it checked out months ago, but I really wanted to see Becca. It feels like it's gonna explode if I run on it now, and I don't think that's very good.

I like summer. Tyler's over and it's a TUESDAY. This satisfies me.

I like having people over to watch sports.

"HEYYYYOOOOOO!"
I love that.

Tyler is now friends with Brittany Christine D., Sierra Scott and Madison Branscome.;
MACK MACK MACK.

I'mma mess with my blog until I find something I really like. It'll change a bunch the next few days.

The Lakers are kicking the shit out of the Celtics. That makes me happy.

We're going to see Toy Story 3 Saturday. It'll be awesome and hardcore.

I'm really up and down lately. I'll be all :D one second, then I'll get all depressed.

We're probably gonna watch The Road later. I love that movie, even if it's like D: depressing for two hours.

I wanna go to Ted's Hot Dogs. And Mighty Taco. And all those other cool places with good food in Buffalo. Grrrr.

Hmph.

I wanna hug you.

ಠ_ಠ

It's nothing.

Seriously.

ಠ_ಠ

nomnom.

APOSINBFPABSFOASBFASOFB. Metal Gear Rising should stop looking so amazing.

I wanna go see Kayla. That'd be nice right now.

My knee feels like it's about to explode. Bleh.

Matt has a huge boner for baseball all of a sudden. I don't understand it.

I don't understand why yelling about people mackin' is so funny. But it is.

I need to blog more. Because apparently somebody wants me to. *cough*

DON'T GO MACKIN'.

Tyler's girlfriend was cheating on him with some kid named Ray.

WEGONNAFUCKHISSHITUP.

Except not really.

"I'm gonna start cussing in front of my parents until they're okay with it."

Someone should buy me a copy of Take This To Your Grave. It'd make me the happiest.

loldreams.



I like that song. Except the fail-breakdown towards the end. That's bad.

Devan

...FUCK

..hold on

I'll type it out

XD

1) Grab left sleeve with right hand at top of sleeve

2) Pull sleeve up into air and left arm down through it

3) Move right arm in arc above head in one continuous motion while pulling left sleeve up

4) Shirt comes off in a more fluid motion, that is much faster than the pulling over head method..

holyshititworks. THEN KAYLA HAD TO GO AND MAKE ME FEEL DUMB FOR NOT KNOWING ABOUT IT. :P

Soccer isn't as horrible to watch as I thought it was.

A year and a half isn't as horribly long as it seems. I wanna be 18 already.

THIS IS ME ATTEMPTING TO BLOG MORE.

Ryan didn't know what macking was. That made me laugh.

I like smiling.

I enjoy this.

YEAH.

APPARENTLY I DON'T BLOG NEARLY ENOUGH. So I'mma do that more.

...she's attractive.

Devan gave me the guitar track to his band's new song. Which is pretty much named after me. It's fantastic.

America tied with England in the World Cup. That disappoints me. All of my british friends and I had been shit talking all week, so we all kind of look stupid.

lolheadches. This one hurts more than usual.

...Gary's friend just joined our party on XBL, and he turns into this ghetto black guy the second any of his black friends join. It scares me.

MY HEADACHE IS BOTHERING ME SO I AM GONNA STOP THIS HERE. sorrykayla.

ಠ_ಠ

yay.

I...

am happy for the first time in awhile.

This is AMERICA.

I really hope Robert doesn't think that I don't hate him anymore just because I invited him to the chat during something really important.

Patrick Kane made me happy after he won the Stanley Cup. He was all "I WANNA THANK EVERYONE IN BUFFALO!" I love that kid.

I wish I could stop hurting with all of this. But it just keeps getting worse.

Anthony is coming over later, and Tyler might. That makes me sorta happy. Even if Anthony is a whiny little girl now, they're still basically my best friends.

Ryan pisses me off. He's always being a dick to Victoria, and all she wants is to be with him. I'mma slap him if they break up over that.

The omgguesswhathi road trip idea makes me happy. It's not gonna happen for another three years, but it'll be awesome.



That song is pretty much my favorite ever.

Kayla worries me. A lot.

I don't like drama. But there's a ton of it in my life all of a sudden. I hate it.

I feel like everything Tyler says is quotable. Anthony and I would have definitely beat the hell out of him by now if he didn't make us laugh so much.

I hop on last.fm for the first time in weeks to listen to music, and Better Days is the first song it plays. Thanks, last.fm. >_>

...lol, then it played Far. I hate last.fm sometimes.

I forgot how much I liked Dear Prudence. I haven't listened to it in a longlonglonglong time.



That makes me happy. Especially Patrick Kane.

>_>

KAYLA.

You should be happy. Cause being sad isn't fun.

...that makes me a hypocrite, doesn't it?

OH WELL.

butsrsly. You should be happy. BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FRIEND AGAIN AND I DON'T LIKE SEEING MY FRIENDS SAD.

yeah.

DO WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE A PIRATE IS FREE, YOU ARE A PIRATE.

...this is a failure of a blogpost.

asiufbasfbasof

I wish things would stop coming up to make me feel worse. I wish I could just stop being hurt about all of this and pretend none of it happened.

Every time I get a little happier, something comes up that makes me feel ever worse.

Bleh. I feel horrible. I just want to make this go away.

Hmph.

Sometimes I hate where I live.

ugh.

I felt horrible before I went to sleep last night, but sleeping makes all of this go away for a few hours. Atleast I thought it would.

Then I had a dream about Becca. And every time it ended, I kept having it, it kept starting over. It was super nice and happy at first, I made Becca happy, I was happy, and everything was okay. Then out of nowhere she was all "I wanna break up" and then everything got bad and it ended. Then it started over again, changing a little every time.

I guess it didn't make it go away.

I could find a way to deal with Becca breaking up with me after I saw her, the way Robert pretty much betrayed me, and everything that has to do with that.

But knowing I hurt Becca and made her feel terrible on top of all of that makes me hate myself.

I feel horrible. I hate myself. I hate this. I want it to go away.

I feel worthless.

I've been up for the past few hours talking to Kayla on the phone, trying to feel a little better. But I can't. I hate myself. I hate myself for hurting Becca now. I hate myself for hurting Becca while we were still dating. All I want is for her to be happy, and it makes me hate myself so fucking much that I'm the reason she's not.

I just want to die and make this all go away. I hate myself so fucking much and I feel so fucking worthless. I can't stand myself anymore.

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I want to make this go away.

It's almost 2am. I need to sleep. I don't know how much longer I can deal with all of this.

I'm an idiot.

You know how it feels to know you're the sole reason that someone you love is feeling horrible?

It's the worst thing I've ever felt.

Becca doesn't want to believe me that all I want is for her to be happy. I'm sorry I made her feel like shit. I'm sorry I make her feel horrible. I'm sorry I made her hate herself.

And it hurts more than anything to know I'm the reason she's unhappy. I'd do anything in the world right now to make her happy.

But she doesn't believe that.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I want to run away and have everyone forget I existed.

asfoihsfoifas

+13016411990 6:46 pm
(6:46:42 PM): I was talking to her. I'm sucker for complements, and she approached me after we talked for a bit, "I thinkyoureprettyfuckingsexy" I was like ":D. You're pretty
(6:47:06 PM): Oh. Not really came up, but she just said it.
TMBollo 6:47 pm
(6:47:16 PM): ...
(6:47:52 PM): ...while we were dating...?
+13016411990 6:50 pm
(6:50:36 PM): -thinks-..I think...like..yeah.

Ouch. It hurts... a lot that Becca would do that. I'm still pissed off at Robert about that, but... all that this does to me is hurt. Becca breaking up with me hurt me a lot, but knowing she was sitting there flirting with Robert and liking him... hurts a lot. Becca says she cared/cares about me a lot but... it's hard to believe that when she did all of that. I want to talk to her and get some sort of closure about all of this, but I doubt that'll happen. I don't think she'd even talk to me again.



I guess I'm just done trusting people. I want to be friends with Becca, but after this, I know she won't. She doesn't want to already, but I'm pretty sure this will kill any chances of that.

Ouch.

...

Robert.

He pisses me off. I remember the night I was worried Becca liked him, or he liked Becca, or both. He was all "DON'T WORRY, I DON'T LIKE HER, AND SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME." So I believed him. Then after Becca broke up with me, he swore up and down nothing was there. But instead, he was going behind my back "OH HAHA YOU"RE SO AWESOME AND PRETTY AND COOL AND I LIKE YOU <33333." That hurts. He knew how much I liked Becca. He knew how happy she made me. But he did that shit anyways.

I thought you were my best friend. I trusted you.

OH I'M HERE FOR YOU BRO.

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

I CARE ABOUT YOU!

No, fuck off. You don't do that to your FRIEND. This hurts. Robert was the last person I expected to do something like this.

I'm a forgiving person, but... I don't know if I can.

aiubsfoibfoiafb

I feel like a horrible person. I hate myself for what I just did. And I'm crying for the first time in a few days.

I wish I could have all of that back. I don't know what happened. Something just threw me into a fit of rage, and I just started yelling at Becca for everything.

Now I've lost Becca as a friend. I hurt her. And I know she won't forgive me for that. I just want to talk this out with her, but I know she won't.

I messed up and I know I won't have another chance to fix that.

=/ I hate myself so much.

I hate myself.

I'm a horrible person. I yelled at Becca about everything, because I was so hurt about everything and I shouldn't have. I hate myself for it. And I'm so sorry.

And now I've lost Becca too because of it.

I hate myself. I hate how I can't do anything right, and I hate how I can't even be friends with Becca because I hurt her too.

meh.

"When was the last time you hugged someone you had feelings for?
saturday...=/

When was the last time you held hands with someone?
saturday...=/ "

I don't like thinking about when I saw Becca. It makes me feel horrible. I was the happiest, and... it really isn't the nicest thing to think about.

I wish all of this would just go away. I want to be happy again. But, from what I can see, atleast Becca's happier without me.

nomnomnom.

I feel like Anthony is being cut out of our group of friends. He's been a douche lately, and he's annoying everyone.

lolbeccasblogisprivatenow.

My headaches are getting worse. I feel like there's really something wrong with me that I really need to get looked at.

My self-esteem is getting better again. Which is good.

Moogle 6:37 pm
(6:37:22 PM): Me and Greer were talkinga bout how you look slimmer

And that basically made my life. Cause for like... the past three months I've been trying super hard to lose weight and it's nice to know it's noticeable.

"Mexican herbs of joy...? OH. WEED!"
"Old people are everywhere. I don't like them."
"You can't over-swagulate."

Things that Tyler says make me happy. And swagulate is definitely my new favorite word.

...Tres and Alyssa are going back out again. That's cool.

Speaking of Tres, I don't think we're gonna be really good friends again. Which is disappointing, but it doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

I hate when I hear people making noises RIGHT outside my house at night. And I probably should not carry a knife around because of it, but it terrifies me.

Devan's leaving Tachycardia. That makes me sad-face.

Eddy should definitely stop screaming in his room about people on WoW.

I'm happy right now. Yay.

lolheadaches.

lolheadaches.

TMBollo 11:36 pm
(11:36:45 PM): ugh
(11:36:48 PM): I need to see a doctor
Moogle 11:36 pm
(11:36:57 PM): ask your mumsie
TMBollo 11:37 pm
(11:37:01 PM): I put it off for like... months
(11:37:09 PM): cause I didn't wanna stress money for us so I could see Becca
(11:37:10 PM): lawlawl
(11:37:12 PM): and the irony is
(11:37:15 PM): that doing that
(11:37:17 PM): caused me headaches
(11:37:18 PM): SO HA
Devy-Poo 11:37 pm
(11:37:19 PM): .....
(11:37:22 PM): That..
(11:37:34 PM): Is some Alanis Morrissette shit.

That makes me laugh a lot. Alotalotalot.

randomthingstorandompeople

Dear Tres,

I miss you. You were my best friend, and everything was really great when you were around. Then your mom said we couldn't hang out anymore, and... I haven't had a friend like you since.

Dear Kayla,

You're trying your hardest to make me happier, and you have no idea how much I appreciate that. After all the fighting we went through, and all the mean things we said, you should be laughing at me for my relationship blowing up. But, instead of doing that, you're trying your best to make me even a little happier. ...HOWEVER, waking up to a random text from you does make me smile when I wake up. :)

Dear Dad,

I wish you didn't have to sit there for 15 years fucking with my emotions, because it really makes me getting hurt a lot worse than it should be. All those times you told me I was worthless, I was a fat-ass, or something like that hurt. I act like none of that ever bothered me, but it still does. Every time something like this happens to me, it's a lot worse because of you.

Dear Becca,

I hope we talk again soon. It'd make me feel a little better, because there was a time when you were the best friend I had, before all of this. And I want that back. If you still read this, could we like... try to talk soon?

Dear Robert,

I appreciate you staying up (even though I know you're not up for me) and talking to me so I don't beat myself up all night. You're a good friend.

Dear Mei,

You won't see this, but you're talking to me right now about everything. We don't talk at all, ever, but I really appreciate it.

Dear Bev,

You should get on more! :D I miss you! I haven't really talked to you in a week or two, but it makes me smile when we do. :)

And I think I'm done now.

sofbsafbsaofbasofibsafoiafbAOIBSFOABFASOFB

AOIBFAFBASOBSAFOIABSFOASFBAOSB

HOLY SHIT TRES. I MISSED THAT KID SO FUCKING MUCH.

ASOIBFSAOFBSAOFBSAOBAO!!!!!!

I hope we get to hang out soon. That would make me the happiest.

justrandomstuffiguess...

"Matt go long!"
"James, you see Matt down there?"
"Yeah...?"
"My cock could still touch him."

"Cup check? CUP CHECK?"

"A fifteen inch penis?"
"I pass out when I get a boner. But it's totally worth it."

"Everytime we capture the flag, you play Chelsea Dagger."

"I'mma call Shane a faggot. With an I."

"Once I saw Butches eat a squirrel."

These made me happy.

So, I definitely ranted at Kayla about everything yesterday. It felt nice. Even though I'm still pretty depressed about everything.

Chelsea Dagger makes me happy.

lolthatsaslapintface.

Tonight's the first night I've laughed and smiled a lot in a few days.

Shane and Tyler are arguing on Facebook. It makes me laugh.

I want Tachycardia's new song already.

Moogle 10:42 pm
(10:42:21 PM): Kayla is cool
(10:42:24 PM): and not evil
(10:42:27 PM): she's wonderful
(10:42:33 PM): AND IS WAITING ON A BLOGGITY
(10:42:36 PM): -cough-

YOU WILL GET YOUR FUCKING BLOG CALM DOWN. XD

"Do you want me to kick your ass, Matt?"
"DON'T WORRY MATT, I GOT YOUR BACK. YOU CAN'T LOSE."

I hate when I see Becca come online and I'm like "ASBFAOIBFOAI IM!" like I used to, then realize that I can't talk to her until she wants to.

"CROWDER ELEVEN HOKIES!"

DO WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE A PIRATE IS FREE, YOU ARE A PIRATE. I missed that making me smile.

weeeeeeeeeeeee

Penny Arcade makes me feel better. Kinda. A little.

Bleh...

I miss talking to Becca. But, I don't think she really even wants to have anything to do with me anymore. And I don't think she really cares about me anymore. Which makes everything a lot worse.

=/ I miss being happy.

You guys are BRATS.

I hate when you're finally getting out of the hole you've been in all day, then out of nowhere something comes up and puts your farther down than you were before.

"DAMMIT I GOT THE JELLY AGAIN!"

"Those guys just got FISTED."

Those made me laugh.

"...sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together."

Ana has that on her page. I would definitely like that a whole lot, if it weren't for the person who said it.

Kayla can make me smile. WHO THOUGHT THAT WOULD HAPPEN?

Facebook should stop telling me to look at pictures of Becca. Like, 9 times out of 10, it's like DUDE, YOU NEED TO FUCKING SEE THIS PICTURE OF BECCA.

Braid makes my head hurt. But it's super amazing anyways.

VICTORIA HAS AIM?! AOSIBFOASBFOASIBFOASFBFOASIBFAWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Marshawn Lynch, you sir, are a fucking moron.

Dude I had a fucking crazy night last night
yeah?
So you know how Jason is basically a crazy redneck?
well we were sitting around drinking when he just pipes up "let's go hunting guys!"
we're in the middle of the city, right, but we're sort of drunk, so me, Mike and Aaron go for it
We head out to the park, drinking from the camelback of course, and see these fucking geese; Just hundreds of fucking geese sleeping by the river.
we're just kind of stumbling around laughing, but Jason takes a fence post, UPROOTS the motherfucker, and just Braveheart charges this field of geese
the geese start going apeshit as he's swinging like mad, just honking like crazy tearing up the river
the three of us don't know what to do, but three generations of inbreeding sure as hell did. The fucker cracks one of the geese over the head, and it's just frozen, sort of stunned
without a second of hesitation, Jason grabs his dull ass pocket knife and just pounces on the goose, stabbing wildly, and let me tell you.. there's a fuckton of blood in a goose
this thing is hemorrhaging blood, completely covering him, but he keeps stabbing it
wtf dude? that's fucking nuts
just listen, it gets worse
We are completely dumbfounded, we don't know what the fuck just happened, but we're pretty sure it's extremely illegal
we decide to wrap up the goose in Aaron's jacket and take it back to the apartments
so we walk like 3 miles back, and take it to the field by the power station
Jason's not done though, he takes his dull blade and SKINS THE MOTHERFUCKING GOOSE
takes out the entrails, the whole nine yards, takes for fucking ever
at this time Mike is turning pale, he's looking up all the laws we'd broken, and he kept yelling about some security guard watching us
I told him to stop being paranoid, but he wouldn't let up
so he grabs the goose and just fucking chucks it, as hard as he can over towards the freeway
needless to say we were pissed, but we weren't about to spend all night looking for that shit
So we snuck home, drunk, hungry and defeated
Now that's a fucking adventure
yeah, I know, but just imagine this episode of cops:
four college age guys, drunk, walk out of a darkened field in the middle of a city at 3 A.M. after spending several hours working on something, and one of them is COVERED in blood, holding a dull, bloody knife, claiming to have just hunted, skinned, and then completely thrown away an entire goose
you can't right better shit than that
I don't think we should ever hang out with Jason ever again
Agreed

I stumble that every few weeks or so. I love it to death.

yayrandomstuff...

=/

...

Yeah, thanks, Anthony. I LOVE being laughed at because my girlfriend broke up with me.

HAHA JAMES IS DEPRESSED NOW! HAAAAAAA!

It makes me feel so great.

RANDOMTHOUGHTSGO!

We rented Inglorious Basterds last night, and I was really looking forward to watching it. Then I realized it would definitely make me think of Becca, so that kinda sucks. I've been doing an okay job of not thinking about it.

Our washer and dryer broke and my parents can't fix it for awhile because we spent a bunch of money going to DC. I feel really bad now.

I like that Kayla and I are becoming friends again. I missed it.

I don't really think that Becca realizes she broke up with me for the same reason Kayla did. Which... makes it a lot worse.

It bugs me that Tyler and Anthony have their heads up their girlfriend's asses now. Anthony has been dating that girl for three weeks and already has "<3 AEG+ALH <3" in his phone's signature, and Tyler's always doing something with his girlfriend instead of hanging out with us.

I hate looking at the letters Becca sent me telling me how amazing I was, and how great I was for her. They hurt.

I AM A PIRATE AGAIN. CARRRRRRR.

I FOUND MY DS. FUCK YES. :D

And now I have to take the trash out. SOIAMDONEWITHTHISNOW.

YAY.

So, Kayla and I talk now?

I like this.

I honestly really missed us being friends, and this time there's really nothing to get in the way of that. Neither of us have any feelings for each other anymore, so we can just be friends now.

And I like that.

DID YOU SEE THAT!?

I got outside and finally played basketball for the first time in days. I didn't really want to, but I really don't want to gain back the weight I lost when I was with Becca, cause I lost a lot trying to look better for her.

BUT PLAYING BASKETBALL MAKES ME FEEL GOOD. I like to think I'm pretty okay at it, and it's nice to play it against Matt.

I'm still not happy, but playing it again made me feel good. SOYAY.

Bleh.

I've been writing a lot of blogposts today, but I'm... not the best, and I guess this makes me feel okay.

I remember when Becca cried because I lived far away, and she wanted to see me. Around when we started dating, I told her that she could break up with me then so she could stop being sad about it, and she said she could deal with the distance.

Apparently not. =/

That's just been bothering me today.

"it’s because i haven’t had any reason to! even if i was ever upset about missing you from the distance it’d just be 29712370912672196 times worse if we weren’t together. because you’re going through the same thing and somehow it just makes me like you more"

That used to make me feel better. But, I guess it's better we broke up if she wasn't happy anymore...

randomthoughtsgo.

My entire family (excluding Matt and Eddy) has been trying to cheer me up since Monday night. I feel bad, because everything they try is just kind of... not working.

Facebook definitely likes shoving that Becca's single now in my face.

I hope we have enough money to go out with my friends this weekend. I need something to make me smile again.

It bothers me that Becca broke up with me over the distance, because I could get my license in... 16 days now (It's not like that's the reason it bothers me, but that's one of them). It was about to get easier, but I guess that's life.

The Today Show is on in our living room, and they keep showing people how to make some sort of food, and I really do not understand how anyone eats some of the stuff they make.

I was looking through all of the stuff Becca ever gave me, and it's... pretty depressing. I used to make her really happy, and those letters used to make me feel really great. I guess I should just stay out of the drawer that stuff is in. But, I'm not getting rid of any of it. She worked really hard on that stuff.

I love the ghetto couples on Maury. There's always the one chick who thinks the guy is cheating, and every time they're all "The lie detector has determined... THAT IS A LIE!" the ghetto guy is all "AWWWW HELL NAW I AIN'T DO DAT!" ...andlol. There's a Psychiatrist talking to him now, and he's all "NOW, INSTEAD OF HOLDING YOUR PRIVATE PARTS AND CURSING PEOPLE, YOU SHOULD TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!" I feel like that should make me laugh.

I... really wish Becca didn't do anything with me on Saturday. It wouldn't have made this so bad. I keep thinking about holding her hand, and holding her on her couch, and how happy it made me, and it's... pretty depressing. I know she had to see me to know if she wanted to break up with me or not, but it makes me feel used.

I know Becca probably thinks I'm really pathetic for all of this, and I know she doesn't feel like it's a big deal. At all.

And, Robert, thanks for trying to cheer me up. =/ You're really the only friend I have that is.

...

TMBollo 9:20 am
(9:20:55 AM): idontthinkyouwannatalktome, but how are you?
Becca... 9:23 am
(9:23:10 AM): i do actually. i saw your blogpost and it's not that i don't care or don't want to. i honestly think i just need a little time before we really start talking again.

=/

Now I really can't even talk to Becca. Atleast, for awhile.

It just really makes me feel worse. Even though Becca's the reason I'm so depressed, talking to her made me feel a little better. I guess it just made me feel a little better, because I felt like, even though Becca broke up with me, I sort of still had a good friend in her.

Hmph.

I'm starting to feel like Becca really doesn't care about me anymore, and she just doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

And that... makes me feel a lot worse.

If I want to talk to her, I've got to try and talk to her. She doesn't really even try. And when we DO talk, it's just kinda... I feel like one of those kids she doesn't want to talk to, but she's too nice to tell them that.

That doesn't really feel like a friend. =/